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Shannon Kilbourne

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[30 Aug 2004|12:36pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

Aric invited me to see him last night. I was a little reluctant at first, but he seemed so excited, I felt like I'd disappoint him if I didn't go. We ate dinner together, a meal that basically consisted of his talking about everything under the sun and my listening to it all. He seems so excited about Yale, about the newness of everything, about the two of us...the two of us experiencing the newness of it together. Last night, after he walked me back to my room, he said something last night that really resonated with me: "We did it, Shannon...we finally reached our goal. We're here at Yale together. I'm so happy I'm here with you." And then he kissed me. A polite kiss, not too long but not too short: the kind of kiss you'd want to have at your wedding ceremony when the minister says "you may kiss the bride". The kind of kiss you'd want your parents and family to see, to capture on videotape -- a sweet gesture, but a formality nonetheless.

As I was lying in bed last night, I played the moments up to that kiss over and over again in my mind. Aric is the kind of boy any girl dreams of. He's smart, sweet, and funny. He dresses impeccably, plays a mean game of tennis, and is a wonderful listener. We have such a long history together. My parents love him and his parents love me. They've always said we were meant for each other. But people aren't meant for each other just because their parents say so. People are meant for each other because of who they are, and how they complement each other.

After he kissed me, he said he loved me and wished me goodnight. I didn't say anything; just ducked my head into the suite. He smiled at me as he left, probably thinking that I meant exactly the same. But the truth was, I didn't know what to say to him. What do you say to someone you've known forever, someone who feels he loves you deeply, when you just don't completely feel the same way back?

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Shannon's mantras for the summer [02 Jul 2004|07:43pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I'll write this here so I'll have to look at it often and it'll be a constant reminder.

-I will not feel guilty about doing nothing of substance this summer

-I will ignore emails from the camp director Mrs. Davis, and the other head counselors Bethany and Amanda saying how much they miss me and wish I was here.

-I will try not to kill Tiffany this summer, no matter how much she annoys me or how stupid of things she does (oh man, that's a whole other entry altogether).

-I will hang out with the BSC more and my SDS friends (*must do this one!*)

-I will go to bed late, wake up after noon, read tons of books, and watch trashy TV, including as many reality/dating shows as I can (*think about this one more*)

Now let's see if I actually keep these summer resolutions.

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ARGH [19 May 2004|07:46pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

I am so damn frustrated. Most of my time lately has been spent dwelling on Tiffany, whether it's trying to keep her out of the BSC -- why doesn't anyone listen to me when I tell them how evil she really is? I'm not making this up! -- and now, she's planning to infiltrate my Prom by going with some Senior just so for the sake of being a sophomore at Prom! Does she think of anyone's feelings? No, of course not. That is IT. I am sick of all of this crap, and I refuse to let my sister ruin my Prom. I'll keep her from going if it's the last thing I do, I swear it.

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I don't like the sound of this. [13 May 2004|08:57pm]
[ mood | worried ]

I really cannot believe Tiffany. She posted this (http://www.livejournal.com/community/babysit/171247.html) on the board and then when I commented and said she had damn well better be kidding, she blew me off and said "Maybe I am kidding and maybe I ain't. Either way, you can't do anything to me because you're not my mother and its none of your damn business."

I really don't trust that girl. I better keep an eye on her and Jordan for awhile. That's so sad, when you can't even trust your own sister. Ugh.

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[10 May 2004|11:57am]
[ mood | rejected ]

If I'm still thinking about the rejection NOW, a time that should be filled with thinking about happy things like Prom and Graduation, how much worse is it going to be when I'm actually living the life I settled for? Or, to be more precise, the life that I ended up with because I wasn't good enough for to live my dream.
I just can't bring myself to stop thinking about it, though.

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[03 May 2004|11:39pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Am I always going to wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't been waitlisted at Harvard? Or, even, on a more frivolous note, what life would have been like if I had gotten into Northwestern and UPENN, even though I really had no serious plans of going there?

It's funny how things only interest you when you realize that they're not an option anymore. Well, that's not so much true of Harvard as it is true of the other schools. I just applied to them so (god, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's my journal and I'm going to be honest, dammit) I could get into more schools and have more bragging rights? It's funny how stuff like that can really blow up in your face when you least expect it, huh?

On the flip side of that argument, it's also strange that once you realize that something is now an option, you don't really care too much about it anymore. Sure, I got into Stanford, Columbia, and Duke, but after I reflected on it for a bit, I thought to myself, "do I really want to go all the way to California for college and be so far away from everything here? do I really want to live in New York -- it's a nice place to visit, but I really don't think I'd want to live there. and how much do I want to go and live in the boonies of North Carolina with a bunch of drunken frat boys and prissy sorority girls who have nothing better to do than drink themselves into oblivion every weekend?"

I'm so damn ungrateful. Other kids would have killed for spots at those schools, and I'm such a snot that I only applied to them for bragging rights and ruined it for kids who thought of that as their dream school. Nothing mattered to me but Harvard. And now I feel like I have nothing because I don't have Harvard.

You know, this is the first coherent thing I've been able to write or think in days. That's sad, Shannon. Really sad.

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[01 May 2004|01:41pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Am I making the right decision? Where does a reject like me really belong, anyway?

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No one gets it [19 Apr 2004|11:00am]
[ mood | rejected ]

I've been such a bitch to everyone lately -- at school, at home, even on the dumb message board. Part of me says I shouldn't be doing this, but really, I can't muster the urge to care if I'm hurting anyone right now. No one seems to understand how badly I'm hurting because of the waitlisting at Harvard and the rejections from Northwestern and UPENN. No one cares, no one understands how I feel right now. I can't talk to anyone or tell them how I feel, because I know they won't get it, so I've just stopped bothering. They congratulate me on getting into Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Duke, and Stanford, instead, and then pontificate on how proud I should be of all my accomplishments and hard work. What bullshit. If I would have worked harder, I would have actually gotten into EVERY school that I applied to, not just those ones. Whoever wrote the "big book of consoling rejected high school seniors" needs to be shot. The acceptances mean absolutely nothing when you have rejections telling you just how worthless you really are.

I've never felt this worthless or alone before in my entire life.

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Harvard. [17 Apr 2004|10:44am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

What do you do when the school that's the pinnacle of higher education and is renowned as quite possibly the best institute of higher learning on the planet, the school you've dreamed about going to for your entire life, and the same school you told everyone you were going to attend ever since you were five and could astutely assert this to the amusement of grown-ups everywhere, puts you on the wait-list, with no chance in hell of getting in?

You feel like everything you've ever done to try to be perfect was worthless, and so are you.

A few more days [29 Mar 2004|11:01pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

April's coming up in two more days, and then we all know what that means.

The college decision letters are coming.

Birthday wrap-up [22 Mar 2004|02:29pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It really made me happy to see that the BSC remembered my birthday. Mary Anne's email, Abby and Mal's comments...it made me feel good, like I know at least I'll always have them...they wouldn't forget me. Even Tiffany's post on the board with that uber-embarassing baby picture of me (naked and posed stupidly on one of our antique chairs from the living room! the things people do to small children...) was a surprise. I think I may have jumped on her without reason because I was feeling so depressed about being 18. Granted, I'm still not thrilled about being an adult, but I'm coming to accept is a little better than that panicky entry I wrote last Tuesday night while doing my calc homework.

As for the rest...
Mom took me, Maria, and Tiffany out to dinner on Friday night. The mood was kind of strained, like Mom was trying to make things feel normal, like just another birthday, when we all knew it clearly wasn't. I predicted that one would happen, though. Polly and Greer and the group bought me a gift certificate to the Washington Mall, which was nice of them, even if it was kind of impersonal. I guess maybe even they're realizing that we're not as close as we used to be, which is sad but true. Even Aric's present was kind of...blah. He got me a new sweater from Laura Ashley and the fifth season of Sex and the City on DVD. But the sweater doesn't really fit, and I'm not really that into Sex and the City like every other girl on the planet seems to be. It just seemed kind of impersonal, like he wasn't really thinking of me. Ugh, Shannon, you sound like an absolute brat right now. But really, all I would have wanted is to just have some quiet time alone with him...we hardly ever see each other anymore.

18 [16 Mar 2004|11:30pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

If you can believe it, I'm still awake. And I'm doing calculus homework. It would figure. I hate you, Calculus BC.

In less than a half hour, it'll be my 18th birthday. My 18th birthday. I find the situation pretty unbelievable myself. I'll be considered a legal adult, no matter how much I absolutely, positively, do NOT feel like one. All of this worry reminds me of when I was getting ready to turn 13 and I was so ecstatic about it. I even wrote that creative writing assignment about it, and how much I looked forward to getting older, to reaching that magic number. And now the older I get, the more I want to turn back the clock, whereas when I was younger I was dying to get older. Funny how life works, isn't it? And here I am, when I should be doing multi-variable integration, worrying about being 18. I don't even want to think about how bad I'll be when I'm like, I don't know, 40 or something. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

I wonder what people will do for my birthday. Probably nothing. Mom will probably try to launch into her whole special treatment and make it like a regular birthday in an attempt for me to forget that things are different now and that Dad doesn't live at home anymore. Tiffany'll give me a kick in the shins; Maria will give me some heartfelt present that she's secretly been laboring on in art class. Polly and Greer and everyone might get me a present as a group or something, and maybe Aric will want to take me out to dinner. I wonder if the BSC will even remember. I've felt really disconnected from them lately, and that makes me feel like such a jerk. Like, the only time I've talked to Kristy in awhile was to ask how her college tour was and a thinly disguised attempt to stop her from letting Tiffany join the BSC. You are such a bitch, Shannon. What kind of person are you? I should be better friends with them than that. They deserve better than that. Quite frankly, all of that complaining was just to convey that I'm rather indifferent about the whole thing about friends and family remembering my birthday, but it's probably only a variable of my unwillingness to acknowledge my birthday.

18th birthday, please don't come.

Conflicted [27 Feb 2004|07:42pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Why do I feel like such a fucking tattletale if she deserves it?

Because you're ruining something that she really wants, something that she could really be good at, for probably no reason other than your own issues with her.

Oh, shut the fuck up, brain. No one said you had to be rational all the time.

Am I really the bad guy here? [10 Feb 2004|04:04pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I just sent an e-mail to Dawn asking how her meeting with Tiffany went. I didn't want to ask Tiffany about it, because I a), didn't want to talk to her and b), didn't want to get her hopes up. Plus, I think Dawn will give me a more objective view.

Message I sent to DawnCollapse )

Like I said in the email, I'm going to make it a point to be there whenever they decide to talk about this situation. Contrary to popular belief and/or Tiffany's complaints about me, I wouldn't only go to bash her, because she did used to be great helper to me when we would go on sitting jobs before, but I would express my concerns about her...uh...tempermental nature. Like, for example, right before Dawn came over, I'll admit that I was kind of antagonizing Tiff a teeny bit just for shits and giggles because I saw how high strung she was, and the little bitch kicked me in the shins. I have a huge fucking black and blue mark now. I know she'd never hurt a kid -- at least, I sure as hell hope she wouldn't! -- but it's stuff like that that makes me question her abilities as a sitter. When someone makes fun of you, you don't retaliate like that, I don't care if it's your own sister or whatever. She acts without thinking wayyy too much, and that's what worries me.

Foreboding [07 Feb 2004|12:55pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I absolutely cannot believe Tiffany wants to join the BSC. Is it wrong of me to be suspicious of my own sister's motives? As much as I hate to say this, when you have a sister like her, I really don't think so. I mean, granted, before Kristy moved onto our block, Tiffany and I did do a lot of babysitting together, but then again, she used to be somewhat normal then too. Whenever I would go on my jobs, I would take her with me, as kind of a babysitter in training. It was actually pleasant to be in her company, and if I had to do something else or turn my back for a second, I knew that I could actually trust her with the kids. Now, I'm really not so sure...she's changed so much, and she's so mean and nasty most of the time. She's such a hard person to read. I wish I could have a normal sister.

I guess we'll see what happens when we meet with Dawn today about the recruiting stuff, but this just smacks of being a terrible, horrible idea.

Dammit [19 Jan 2004|07:34pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Ugh, I think Mom is ready to give Tiffany her phone and computer privileges back. She actually started catch up on her work and try to make up for her horrible grades in Spanish. I'd say I'm surprised, but the more I think about it, I'm really not that surprised. Clearly, she's only making this effort because she wants to use the phone and computer again. Those two things are her lifeblood, considering how her social life is the only thing she actually gives a damn about. I give this "new" Tiffany about 2 weeks, if even that long, to last. We shall see.

Another day [06 Jan 2004|04:35pm]
[ mood | busy ]

School today was just exhausting. So much stuff to catch up on after break, and now AP Government ends and AP Econ begins. Ugh, speaking of government, I need to call a student council meeting this week or next, because we haven't had one since the beginning of January. So much to do, so little time. The story of the life of Shannon Kilbourne, I guess.

survey that's been going aroundCollapse )

Some of those questions were...strangely thought-provoking pretty interesting. Well, as much as a survey can be. Oh well, I'm off to do homework and help out with dinner.

To 2004, and goodbye to 2003 [31 Dec 2003|04:44pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Happy new year, livejournal. I know I've been neglecting you lately, but I still think I should commemorate the new year here somehow. So here's to a happy 2004...which will hopefully be a happier year than 2003.

Weekend update [21 Dec 2003|09:37pm]
[ mood | content ]

Long time no write! I feel like I'm backtracking here, but I do want to get my journal up to speed with the rest of my life. So here goes.

I haven't been able to write much lately because I've been so busy getting ready for the holidays. The SDS toy drive went really well. A ton of kids brought in their old childhood toys and a bunch even went out and bought new ones, which was really sweet of them. On Thursday night, I went out with the NHS president, Alyssa Richards, the vice president, Aric, and the secretary, Matthew Davis. We all piled into Alyssa's SUV and drove to Toys'R'Us, where we used a portion of the NHS treasury money (carefully monitored by yours truly) to buy some more toys. Then, on Friday afternoon, I went with the NHS officers down to the shelter in Stamford to drop off the presents. There were so many gifts there that it really was amazing. I kind of felt like Santa. The staff was so incredibly grateful, and they couldn't stop thanking us. We didn't get to see them pass out the presents to the kids -- that'll be on Christmas day, of course -- but I kind of wished we had. I kind of want to go back on Christmas day. It seems like it would be nice.

Aric and I went out this past week. Shortly after I got home and opened up my letter, my cell phone rang. Aric had gotten a letter from Yale too, and he was opening it just as he dialed my number. I don't know how he did it -- I was dying on the inside , and it wasn't even my letter! Then he read the same words that I had read a few hours before, and he was so incredibly happy. I was so happy for him, too. Yale (and other schools) have been scouting him for tennis for awhile now, and he has an impeccable academic record and great extracurriculars, so I don't know why he was so nervous. College admissions are somewhat of a gamble, though, I must admit. I'm just so happy that both of us got in.
So on Tuesday night, Dad took me and him out to dinner at a steakhouse celebrate our Yale acceptances. We had a good dinner and a nice conversation. He really loves Aric just like a son, probably because our families have been so close for so long. It was kind of nice to have a good conversation that wasn't ruined by having Tiffany and Maria around (but namely Tiffany...oh hell, it's all Tiffany) and not have the usual tension between him and Mom either. Aric didn't seem to think it was odd that my Mom and my sisters didn't come with us. I'm grateful that he didn't say anything, but sometimes I wonder if he notices these things and just doesn't mention them for my benefit. After all, we should have a clear line of communication between the two of us. It's probably nothing, though. I think I'm just paranoid....

I better go. Titanic (my absolute favorite movie of all time) is on TV right now, and I'm already missing some of it! More later.

My spirit takes flight, because I am alive [16 Dec 2003|02:55pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Oh my god. Oh my god. OH. MY. GOD.

I DID IT!

I rushed home from school today (Maria was not thrilled at how blatantly I was speeding) and ran down the driveway and threw open the mailbox, hoping and hoping beyond belief. There was a large packet inside, with a return address of Yale University. I tore it open -- I'm surprised I didn't rip the damn packet to shreds in the process -- and dumped its contents out onto the lawn, snatching up the letter in the process. My eyes fell upon the words I had been longing to see for ages now: "Dear Shannon, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Yale University's incoming Freshman class of 2008." I don't think I'll forget that sentence for as long as I live. It's real. It really is. It did happen -- it's not just a dream anymore.

I can't believe it. I did it! I got into Yale!

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